I can’t say time has flown, but it's ticked to God’s will.
Many nights I’d lay with my hand on my chest feeling my heartbeat. It was betraying in a way - it could go on pulsating as though it wasn’t broken and life hadn’t come undone. I spent all my time caring for Meg, watching my retirement account drain away, along with the rest of my life. I had never felt more alone or weight on my shoulders. The only thing longer than the days were the nights, and I wondered how we’d ever live again.
I’d think about Joshua and Caleb in the bible and knew I had to choose.
The Israelites were scared for their lives seeing the giants they were called to slay. Out of 10 men, 8 swayed the thousands with their disbelief, and changed the course of all their lives.
God brought them out of slavery, parted waters, rained down manna, and hovered above them. Seeing the size of the giants the Israelites wondered how God could set them up for failure and watch them die.
It’s always surprised me how the Israelites knew who God was, but yet they didn’t trust Him. God was going to bless them and show them His glory, but they ruined it with their unbelief. They lost their inheritance clinging to their own views and desires.
So many times I’ve been no different than those faithless Israelites.
Joshua and Caleb saw the same situation but instead of believing in the size of the giants, they believed in the size of their God. Out of their generation they were the only two who entered the promised land.
I wanted to believe and feel God instead of fear. During the hardest of times I’d silently pray, “I know You’ll make a way.” Every time I did, He gave me the faith to step out on it.
As I write I realize it sounds like some glorious image, but stepping out in faith has felt more like a mine field.
I stood in the life I knew wanting Jesus to walk with me, be with me, and go where I'd go. When He asked me to leave my dreams and the way I wanted life to step out onto some ugly awful path, I couldn't believe He didn't want more for me.
What He was asking felt reckless and I wondered if I had really loved Him more than life. I knew I couldn’t live without Him. I’d do whatever I needed to do and promised I'd stop being stubborn clinging to rotting dreams.
So I stepped out and walked. After I got away from what I wanted, I could see how much more Jesus had. I became willing to accept and started believing His gifts were good, even if they didn’t come as I wanted them to. It changed how I saw life. I was humbled about all the times I dictated to God what I found acceptable. How many times was He trying to use me or bless me but I was too caught up in me?
No matter how hard life became, God was always bigger and He made ways where there wasn’t one...which has always been His story.
There is something beautiful about being broken and filled with God. When there’s nothing to hold onto, there’s nothing to hold you back. Choosing to believe changes everything. It’s only then we can be filled with trust and say, let the giants come.