Meg came out of the endoscope Monday exhausted. I picked her up and held her in the rocking chair. She laid her head against me, her voice rasping through her sore throat, "Mom, do you know how much I've suffered?"
I pulled her close hoping she'd fall back to sleep and stop thinking about it...I didn't want to think about it and how pointless it seems at times. Instead she tilted her head back and whispered, "Mom?"
I admitted I didn't know she knew what suffering meant.
She said, "It's when hurt doesn't go away. When you try to fix it and it's still there. That's suffering...and I suffer."
As hard as it was to hear her rasping voice define suffering, it was even harder to admit she has. For whatever reason, I didn't want her to know. I wanted her to be completely unaware she's different from anyone else.
I told her, "Everyone suffers...just at different times in different ways."
She responded, "Did you know even Jesus had to suffer? It's how he saved us. He had to suffer and he did because it was worth it. So I know it's worth it for me too."
I marveled at her simple Jesus logic. So accepting of where He's lead even knowing what it means. Believing in it's purpose and worth because of Him...the way He lived God's will knowing what it meant and required of Him.
It made me think of the beatitudes and what Jesus said was blessed.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." Rejoice and be glad,because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. Matthew 5:3-12 NIV
Blessed is the hard and difficult, the ugly to endure. Every way I wouldn't define blessed, Jesus did...
When those feelings of pointlessness and disappointment seep in, I know I'm forgetting Jesus calls me to Himself, not the other way around. I'm to leave my ways, beliefs, and desires behind and step into His. I always think it should make great sense and feel right, but it can war with my flesh and go against every bone. Every time I've held Meg suffering, I've known I had to make the choice. Choosing to believe in Jesus's blessings is harder than I ever thought it would be.
Yet what other blessings is there to seek? What else is to be gained apart from the eternal promises of God? As Meg drifted back off to sleep, I thought of her simple Jesus logic. Christ went to such lengths to show us what life is worth living and dying for.