When God's Got Us

There are times when chaos dies and I find myself in the beauty of silence. It is usually there, or here, lying next to my sleeping child, when I have time to think about what's going on.

I've faced a lot of days I know are too much for me. Days I have to keep going, carrying a family through, knowing I've got to make it out the other side, hoping I'll still be able to smile. I feel the overwhelming weight of circumstances, nipping at my heels, and am frighteningly aware of how little it would take, to be overtaken.

Knowing God's on a different time table, I share how time looks from my perspective...It's been over a year of fighting to hold on and believe, there's a purpose beyond what I'm seeing. A car accident, traumatic brain injury, and fractured back didn't have a place in the life of a mother with young children...yet alone a single one. To be recovering then faced with what Meg's going through...there should be a statue of limitations, one to which I can agree.

God knew the extent of grace I'd need, because me in my faith, would have questioned and wondered, worried and resented. I haven't, because the day of the accident, the moment of impact, was when "Amen" left my lips.

I had just wrapped up my prayer of asking God what to do. Life was going great; I was supposed to be happy achieving what I wanted. While I was grateful, I also had a sense I was missing something. I wondered in all my striving, if I had failed to be more, to do more, for Him. What if God was looking for my willingness to do His work, but I was too caught up in mine? I didn't want to be that way. I didn't want God compartmentalized conveniently into my life. I wanted Him to move in my life, and I wanted to be used for His purpose.

I should have prayed specifically. Obviously God slotted me into the wrong group. Getting hit by a car wasn't what I had in mind...I was thinking more along the lines of teaching Children's Sunday School.

The timing of the accident was too perfect. God can take months and even years to answer my prayers, but He must have been in heaven lining up cars, waiting for my final word. Obviously, this is a lesson in grace, I thought. No, I would not throw the car in reverse, and back over the guy who hit me texting. No, I would not be irritated, he lacked manners and compassion, and didn't get out of his car to check on me. I would show mercy and grace, knowing he probably regretted a stupid mistake. God knew what would happen, so I'd chose to be thankful for His timing and the given opportunity to extend grace.

Maybe the impact on cue to my "amen", was what God knew I'd need to believe. It wasn't what I would have chosen, but I wanted God to use me for his purpose. His aligning us to be of use isn't always pain free. I didn't know what He wanted me to do, but I knew I was right where He wanted me. The one thing He's always asked of us is to believe. So I have.

Eyes clenched and thrown around, I knew He had me. One diagnosis after another, facing bad news, and accepting not everything broken can be fixed, I knew He had me. When days turned to weeks and into months, and I wondered if I'd ever be myself again, I knew He had me. The night I stood shivering in the ER hearing Meg had a large mass in her brain and we needed transferred, I knew He had me.

That night as I watched my baby girl through the glass door, feeling like I was losing her, one thought stood grounded deeply in my mind. If she wasn't in my arms, she'd be in Jesus's. She would never be lost; He'd have her too.

He already does. Even in these moments when the tears don’t stop because of the pain.

The idea (sometimes feeling far-fetched), “this is all a part of God's great plan”, is what's kept me going. Some days are harder to take than others. While life nips at my heels, threatening to overwhelm, what stands in the narrow between us, is a whole lot of God's grace. Pushing me forward, propelling me further, and always protecting me.

If we live, it's to honor the Lord. And if we die, it's to honor the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.     Romans 14:8