changing hope picI keep avoiding looking at the calendar and planning anything in December. With Thanksgiving behind us, and the last days of November ticking by, I know I’m going to have to face it. In 2 weeks, we’ll be heading back to Houston.
I don’t like having to think about how Meg will do on planes or in the airport, if she’ll start a crying episode I can’t stop, or what the surgeon is going to say. I don’t want to think about leaving Evan without his family, and wonder how he'll cope.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired and worn. Mere thoughts of enduring any more feel overwhelming.
I used to think good times in life gave us hope. It was what I experienced and loved and could see again, projected into the future. Dreams could also inspire and give me hope for them happening and coming true.
Yet life keeps turning out so differently than expected, and it’s terrifying to feel hope slipping away.
Sometimes I dig my fingers into hope, just for the mere sake of having it. To feel a part of it, however small it may seem. I want to have hope. I've got to have it. But as it slips away, I’m coming to see it’s not the hope I need to have.

My hope needs to be Jesus.

My hope needs to rest in His hands, understanding God’s sovereignty and goodness. It doesn’t need to come from projecting good times from the past, believing life will be good again. It needs to come from the future. It needs to be in the present. Hope doesn’t need to come from dreams that can easily come screeching to a stop. It can come from knowing life often has to give way for God’s plans.

Holding out hope and feeling devastated when reality doesn’t transpire accordingly, is rough. But life would look so much better to have a hope not based on what I want to see, but on seeing Him. Believing whatever happens, he will make a way. He will have me covered, just as he always has. If my hope’s in Him, I can rest. I won't have to dread.

I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.     Phillipians 4:12-13