Laying Down The Bad PicI held Meg's hand as she pulled back whining how unfair it is she had to spend such a nice day in the hospital while everyone else got to have fun.
I told her it's just how things are and we choose to have a good or bad attitude about them...either way, the situation is the same, but our hearts can change.
As I continued to coax her through the parking lot, I knew my attitude was no better. While I didn't take it out whining, my attitude was just as terrible and full of self-pity.
Spending all day in the hospital doing tests, waiting, and seeing doctors, wasn't what anyone would choose. I wanted a plan, a way forward with positive results in every step. What I got was a long timeline with unappealing options.
Hearing the surgeon say her brain dropped, made my stomach drop just as fast. Seeing it on the screen made me wish I would have looked away faster. The positive note was it didn't cause damage when it did.

The brain pressure medication she is on will have to be weaned off of in the next 3 months. By that time, we will be 6 months out from her initial surgery and it would give her more time to recover from one surgery to the next without disturbing the brain more than they have to.

Maybe it was the pounding headache I had all morning, but it felt like I was hitting my head against a wall. I know what the next 3 months will be like weaning down. I know how difficult the last several months have been. Sure I can try to be optimistic, but I know reality all too well.

I had imagined the possibility of hearing there was nothing more to do now and we'd have to accept where we're at. I didn't imagine it was going to get harder. Especially for the next several months. It was a very sobering moment. I was anything but grateful.

Reminding Meg she had a choice and was choosing wrong, showed me I needed to make a choice instead of react.

Right now, I will choose to honor God and his sovereignty. Choose to trust when I don't understand. Choose to love God even when I don't like what's going on. At times its harder to lay bad things down at his feet than good. There's a part of me wanting to be mad and angry, part of me not caring if I feel resentful, and a part of me not wanting to love when I'm hurting. Choosing to honor, means I forfeit my way. I let go of what I want, and let God deal with it.

Lord, I know that people’s lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps.     Jeremiah 10:23